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EXO-M: Tao

Our Dictionary

Title: Our Dictionary
Author: junjun/animelover_jj
Length: Oneshot
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: YunJae (this is another version I made. The original one was about KrisYeol)
Summary: An entry JaeJoong made in his diary telling how he feels being and breaking up with YunHo.
A/N: I made a YunJae version since the KrisYeol one didn’t sell well. Mehehehe. And I think the angst applies more to YunJae. I know some of you likes angst between YunJae since I like it too but not too much angst since it kills. And oh! Imagine that you are Jae Joong and you were writing this down as an entry to your diary or something. And listen to sad music to add as effect. Hihihi kidding.  XD This is inspired by David Levithan's, The Lovers Dictionary :D
admiration, n.
         I remember the first time I met and saw you. You and your boyish smile that I noticed immediately – it totally caught me off guard.  You were already talking to Junsu and Changmin and you had their attention (YooChun wasn’t there yet at that time). There was really something about you and it piqued my curiosity on how you could be so charismatic.

Suddenly, everything was in slow motion (in that case, only for me).

And I started to wonder if you ever have this impression on everyone. Or only to me. You glanced my way and I just had to pretend that you didn’t exist.

blush, n.
         It can’t be helped.

Considering my white complexion whenever my cheeks turn red, it gets easily noticed. You used to tease me about it and I’d get all bitchy and snappy telling you to stop. You would not heed my plea and tease me some more. But then, when you come to a stop, I just wish that you never did. I just want you to look only at me. It sounds selfish but that’s who I am. .

cigarette, n.
         I smoke because of my problems. But I don’t think that you smoke because of the same reason. You said it was because your father smokes and he didn’t hinder you to follow his actions. It was manly actually. Everything about you is manly. And I love spending times with you where we would just sit in one corner, light a stick and puff our thoughts away. We would share a stick. And even though I can’t imagine sharing it with someone else – I’ll always share it with you.

dumbfounded, adj.
         You were not that of a great singer but you were good. I am not saying that I am greater or whatsoever. But when it comes to dancing, I’m no genius at all. And I have to admit that you were the greatest. The way your body sways along with the music. I can’t find the right choice of words but the only word that could escape from my lips was, “Wow”. I can’t help but stare at you. I’ll admit that I had fallen for you at that moment.

Or maybe I’m just exaggerating.

effortless, adj.
         I envy the way you manage to get along well with everyone. You tell jokes all the time to our bandmates and you find humor and make humor out of everything and I love that. Though, sometimes, it gets kinda out of hand but I still love the way how you make every conversation sound so lively and not so dull and not so boring. I envy you for that. I envy you for what I lacked.

You were just like the current – you go with the flow.

first, adj. 
         Didn’t you know that you were my first? Not my first crush though but you were my first boyfriend and first in everything? Well, I’d guarantee you that. You one lucky bastard.

gravity, n.
         I imagined myself falling – hard. And I imagined you to be there and catch me. You were there to save me. But I don’t know how I ended up hitting the ground. That’s when I found out that gravity hurts. And I was stupid thinking I could defy it.

helter-skelter, adv.
         This totally describes you. No matter how much you try to hide everything with smiles, jokes and laughter. This word defines you. And now, it defines me too.

ideal, adj.
         I don’t think that it’s only me but everyone else in this entire universe that knows of your existence agrees with me on this, that you’re someone they’d want to be with for a long time. Or forever. But forever is a trap. And I guess, I fell into it.

jerk, v.
         I told you that you could change for the better. I was not telling you to change who you are. But you were stubborn saying, “I’m Jung YunHo and you have to deal with that”. You were drunk at that time but still. That broke my heart.

kiss, vb.
         One of things that I love in this world. And yours are something that I can’t resist and I’d never get tired of you kissing me every minute, every second of my existence. It makes me feel that I am alive. It makes me feel that I’m someone important. It’s one way to remind that no matter how wrecked and fucked up I am, that I am loved. By you. Thank you.

lust, n.
         It was this that took our relationship to a whole new level. At first, it was all innocent and fluff. It bloomed from being harmless to something that was wild. We enjoyed it while we can, while we could. But it is sad, now that I think about it. We started with a proper hello but we didn’t end with a proper goodbye.

movie, n.
         One of the things I loved about you is that you made me watch all sorts of movies that you liked and I started to like them too. I thank you for that even though there were some movies that bore me to death but I decided to watch it till the end and talk about it with you after. I just wanted to have something in common with you. I just wanted to make you happy.

nirvana, n.
         With you. It always is. And always will.

*only, adj.
         That’s the dilemma, isn’t it? When you’re single, there’s the sadness and joy of only me. And when you’re paired, there’s the sadness and joy of only you.

permanent, adj.
         Your existence is. Your love too. So am I. Even if it saddens me sometimes but I have to deal with the fact that even if we both exist in this world, even if our paths cross or are headed toward each other, we won’t be by each others’ side permanently. I guess we could stay. But is that really part of our vocabulary? Of who we are? I guess not.

quiet, adj.
         I love sharing moments of this whenever I’m with you. It feels blissful, calm, and soothing. But if it’s only me, it’s torture.

rest, v. and n.
         That feeling when I’m in your arms. I feel so safe and so secure. I don’t want to leave. This is where we both agree with each other without saying so much and without even doing so much. We just lie there and I listen to your breathing and to the beating of your heart against your chest. And I can’t help but smile.

sex, v. and n.
         You introduced me to this though I know what this was all about even before we got together. You got me hooked and I kept wanting for more. You even deprive me of it just to tease me. And I hate and love you for that. Whenever we engage ourselves into this, that’s when I create the illusion that somewhere in the depths of your soul you will love me forever, that we can do this over and over again and that you’ll want me more and you’ll never let me go. How I wished it will not stop. That we would not stop.

But we get tired. We’re still humans after all.  That's a fact. Such a sad fact.

tears, n.
         I’ve shed millions of them before and after I met you. If you managed to gather all of them together, I think, I’ve cried enough to make a river.

utopia, n.
         A place I dreamed of being with you. If it exists somewhere in this universe, I would want to be there with you. Would you want to?

Huh, wishful thinking. I’m such an idiot.  

valentine, n.
         You’ve been mine ever since. You were mine for a long time. But starting now, I guess, I can’t call you my dear valentine.

wasted, adj.
         “You’re wasted”, was what YooChun keeps on telling me. I have a beer in my hand and I finished around 5-6 bottles. I know that it’s not what he meant. Me wasted has got nothing to do with those beers. But it has something to do with you. Why did it end up like this? Why?

x, n.
         That’s what I am now to you. And that’s what you are now to me.

*yearning, n. and adj.
         At the core of this desire is the belief that everything can be perfect.

zenith, n.
         I don’t know where exactly it is. Where it accurately lies. I just know that it’s something that is imaginary and it points directly above something. That it is something powerful. I don’t even know where it’s heading off to or where it will lead me. But I badly want to be there right now.

I hope I find you there.


A/N: Some of the words here are in the KrisYeol one, I find no reason to change those that remained the same. But I did alter the rest or even change it. The words that had (*) in the beginning are originally from David Levithan's book, The Lovers Dictionary and all credits goes to him for those 2 words. You can read the KrisYeol one if you like HERE. I guess, I wrote the KrisYeol version in a rush since nobody liked it. Poor me :( loljk. You guys can just read the A/N there too just to let you know what I've been up to all this time. I hope you guys would appreciate this even if it's not much. Comments are loved! <3 Peace out!


I was just thinking about you the other day! I will read this when I get some free time away from work.

Oh, gosh. Broken!Yunjae. T___T

Edited at 2013-11-10 09:18 pm (UTC)
omgggg unnie i miss you! thank you for reading! *huuuggsss* how are you?
I'm doing well. A little busy at times with my new job. How are you?
doing good :) also a bit busy with college hehehe
broken!yunjae always hurt
thank you for reading!
This fits better with YunJae since the definition of them is angsty. :D
One of my favourite quotes was this "But forever is a trap. And I guess, I fell into it." T.T I can't help but tear up. This pair is just so...ugh!
This fic wakes up in me all those DB5K feels ;_;(I've kind of ran away from the fandom since I've started reading EXO fanfics, but this just makes me wanna go back).
PS: is the book really interesting? I kind of want to read more things that are structured like this and I've thought I'd give it a shot. :D
ommmgggg and you read this one too! thank you again :D
I feel you chingu since i've also done the same, i took a break from the fandom and was lured for a while in reading EXO fics then i stopped and now, i am back! lol.
oooh, i do recommend you to read david levithan's books. i am not sure if you will love them the way i did but i just love the way how he leaves me confused yet satisfied after reading his novels. i like to be left hanging at times and that irks me and makes me happy in a weird way. do read his works and tell me if you like them! :)
hehe ^^ it was my pleasure
welcome back XD
I've already got The Lover's Dictionary and started reading it and I'm totally hooked! And I swear it works so well with DBSK's and EXO's ballads ;_; I'm loving it! Thanks for the tip! :P
Waiting for more work from you too ;)
oh chingu! you should also read david levithan's everyday and boy meets boy :)
i am trying to come up with a new fic not sure when to put it into words and write it down. hehehe. maybe soon, maybe not. XD
That guy is simply amazing. The more I read his work, the more I fall in love with him. I can find myself in some of the things he writes and it makes me think and meditate. <3 I like it a lot! XD

I know how it feels. ;_; For me it takes a looong time until I can write something and be satisfied with it. Sometimes days, other times months.
Anyway ^^ good luck and lots of inspiration! I hope I'll be able to read it soon. I'll be waiting patiently here. ^^